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People of all cultures like to write and/or tell jokes. Below are a few clean ones. The following offer good lessons in punctuation for direct/reported speech.


Out Hunting

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ¡°My friend is dead! What can I do?¡±

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ¡°Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.¡±

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line and he says, ¡°OK, now what?"


In the UK a man is told by his doctor: ¡°I have bad news, and I have worse news.¡±

The man says: ¡°Tell me the bad news.¡± The doctor says: ¡°You have just 24 hours to live.¡±

¡°That's awful,¡± the man says, ¡¦  ¡°How could there be any worse news than that?¡± The Doctor replies, 'Well, I've been looking for you since yesterday."


A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip the ball onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, and bows in respect.

His friend says: ¡°Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a very kind man.¡±

The man then replies: ¡°Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."


An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

The Wise Dachshund

One day, a man decided to go on a safari in Africa and he took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. Playing in the jungle the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

While wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!¡± Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching big cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and as a look of terror comes over him he slinks back, away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a protection deal for himself with his arch enemy. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog just sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund exclaims, ¡°Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

The Ugly Duckling

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Last modified: 02-11-2013